Monday, December 17, 2007

The woes of a bachelor

I live in Pune with five other guys ...all of us blots on the holy title of 'Software engineers'.
Well ..we had been staying the 'Shree and Shreemati Uptight' society for the past 1 year and faced no problem for most of the time. However, just a few days back Mr.PrINGLEs, the "chairman" and hence's the most uptight bugger of the society calls yours truly over for a tête-à-tête. Here goes the conversation.

Mr.PrINGLEs: Hey you boy , come heaaar...are you married??are u you alone?? how long you staying heaar

Me: Excuse im not married....[not interested in the prospect right now]...staying with bachelors...for the past 14 months

Mr.PrINGLEs:Yes...why are you living heaaar??

Me:WTF?? I pay the rent so i live here

Mr.PrINGLEs: mean why do you stay unauthorised?? I havent seen you before

Me:[If you missed a fatso like your's truly, god help you] "Well..sir,could be possible that our timings dont match"

Mr.PrINGLEs: That eez vat i um meaning...why you not seeing me..or for that matter so many times i tell your owner..he also dont see me...

Me: [Probably because we are hetero ...u sick pervert] "Uhhh...hum...wat..sir??"

Mr.PrINGLEs: I ask you all to come to meetings to discuss your issues, our issues , your owner issues...why you avoiding? why you staying unauthorised?

Me: [Frig you...i dont have ne issues that i will discuss with you...and i definetely dont wanna hear about your indigestion problems] . Hmm..i see..what issues..sir??

Mr.PrINGLEs: Well you know, building problems, builder problems, water problems..

Me: What say would I have in that ..I mean the builder would gladly flip the bird to me..if he knew I wasnt the owner.

Mr.PrINGLEs: Leave eet, why you not mingling..with society members...not for functions..not for Satyanarayana Puja parties...(yes he said that!!!)? Even your owner is like that.

Me: Well, lets say I am not a socializing kind of a person(seeing the confused look upon the buffoon's face i took mercy and rephrased my sentence) I come from office at around 9..and the last thing on my mind is a Puja owner stays 25 kms from here ...and i guess he would have travel problems...oh by the way, which you are free to discuss in your "Meetings".

Mr.PrINGLEs:(suddenly turning into hitler) No no no...this is not allowed....first of all you staying are not a having are coming are ruining this beautiful society...[symbolically, a dog just poops in front of the majestic gates] have to vacate by month end...else i will take action

Me: Is that a crime...I mean not marrying...have you never been a bachelor??{read as marrying the only virtue in your sorry life u fat pig)...and by the way..wat action are u threatening..sir??

Mr.PrINGLEs:We will call police....threaten your owner of not cooperating....he has not given rent agreement...he has not given your contact is govt rule that bachelors need to register themselves at nearest police station.(to get early bird prizes!!)

Me: Which rule is that?? any case dont you think it is sensible to talk to my owner first...he is a gentleman and he will definetely clear all the bad blood(again Mr.PrINGLEs is confused)...i mean ..misunderstanding

Mr.PrINGLEs:Give me your owner's number?

Me: I dont have the phone got formatted( which is true..i have an N70 and the bleeding phone gives me all the spftware problems it can)

Mr.PrINGLEs: This is what im talking dont have courage to give number.
How can phone have a software...Is it a computer???[ Yes he said this too..]

Me: Are you accusing me of trying to escape from you( you wriggling worm)...I'll call anyone from my flat and they'll give you my owner's number... (I make a call to my roomate..who comes rushing down...poor chap!!)

Mr.PrINGLEs: Ok...will do that....(calls up and threatens my poor owner to give the agreement copy to him)...and hai you ...yessss and all your roommates...come to today's meeting...
Me: I am going to Mumbai...will not come back on time for the important meeting so excuse me...[I get the hell outta there leaving my roommate to deal with the troll]
Moral of the story: To be continued in the blog coming up...